-Sabika Thapa

‘Good evening Sabika ji’ the very first message popped from him on my cell. As I had seen the message after fifteen minutes I replied’ Hello, I’m sorry I was little busy’. The conversation started and he seemed to be pretty good and I liked replying him. Well I have been under Continuous Ambulatory Peritoneal Dialysis for three years now. When kidney stops to function patient goes through dialysis. There are two types of dialysis. One is haemodialysis and another is CAPD. Continuous ambulatory peritoneal dialysis (CAPD) is done to remove wastes, chemicals, and extra fluid from body.  During CAPD, a liquid called dialysate is put into your abdomen through a catheter (thin tube). The dialysate pulls wastes, chemicals, and extra fluid from blood through the peritoneum. The peritoneum is a thin lining on the inside of abdomen. The peritoneum works like a filter as the wastes are pulled through it. The process of filling and emptying abdomen with dialysate is called an exchange. Exchanges may be done 3 to 5 times during the day, and once during the night.    

I asked who I was talking to and he said his name was Shriddh. His father had been a CAPD patient for five months and he wanted some information as his father felt pain during the exchange. I told him it was obvious during the early stages as I did go through severe pain. We continued talking and later we started to talk on the phone as we exchanged number and we talked like almost three hours till 1:00 am. He shared his experiences and also frustration taking care of his father and I shared mine being a patient. Then we started getting informal and asking about each other than CAPD. Switching topics and talking to each other was fun.

Next day a good morning message from him made my day bit different. A cup of tea in my hand texting him with my other hand. He had been to Kathmandu couple of months back from U.K for his father, taking care and being a good son. It was very impressive for me and the way he was, made me talk to him more and more. We talked and texted each other every hour and every time of the day and night. We never met but we had so much in common and never ever felt that we had just started talking. Days and nights passed and we felt we knew each other before we even met.

I felt a happiness flourishing in me deep in my heart. Due to lots of losses and rejection in life it was hard for me to welcome people in my life. I always felt sacred, some close people quit on me. I was left alone with just some friends and my family during my hard period. I had struggled emotionally, physically to come so far for what I am now. Shriddh came in my life without a knock. He wasn’t my friend but a stranger who knew me so well. He had the knowledge about what I was and what I was going through. His each and every word and concern dragged me towards him. I tried my to avoid the good feelings I started to grow. It was impossible; he was very caring, a good listener and a good advisor. Every conversation impressed me and made me more comfortable to talk to him. After long talks and chats it’s obvious wanting to meet that person in real.

I never thought a boring day would change into something magical by the evening. That evening when we decided to meet, I saw him around 5:30 pm. He was a guy with good height wearing a black jumper and a black pant, short hair, fair complexion and pretty attractive. He wore glasses to due to weakness in his eyes but he looked cute. I was not nervous neither butterflies in my stomach. I was calm with good feelings in my heart. We had coffee and we talked about CAPD, his father, family and I shared about mine. We had already talked and shared so much but it’s was funny how our conversation never ended. After coffee we decided to take walk for 30 minutes. During our walk we laughed and played jokes on each other and suddenly when I lost my balance he held my hand and said ‘c’mon hold my hand or you will loose your balance again’. It was autumn and pretty chilling at night. His warm hand held mine and he put our both hands in his pocket. Then I started feeling nervous and good for what was happening. Inside myself I felt happy but something wasn’t feeling right. He was a stranger but I was so delighted that I forgot, I was supposed to be home and it was 8:30 pm already. I wished time had stopped but well that’s not possible. I felt beautiful after a really long time. It was time to get departed so a hug and staring for a moment was enough for that day.

I came home and I kept smiling. I was happy for the first time after a really long time. Everyone’s face at home seemed lightened up in my eyes. I had a poster in my room which said’ People always leave’ right above my bed. I believed in that after my parents passed away and when my closed ones quit on me. I stared at it for a moment and took it off and thought to myself ‘Not really’.

One person enters your life and the whole perspective of looking at life changes. That’s what happened to me. Shriddh was no ordinary person for me. He was someone with whom I was what I am. I needed no discipline or manners in my way or my language. His concerns and cares made me the happiest girl in this world. Talking to him and meeting him made me more positive to live quality life for what I was. I was neither sad nor frustrated with my disease and life. He made me feel I was a fighter and a loveable person as well and he was always with me. At the end of the day everyone needs someone to talk to and I had Shriddh.

After days and nights of talking meeting and spending some amazing evening together he said’ I have to tell u something’. I said yes please tell me whatever you want to. The conversation happened in a chat so I don’t know how he looked at the time. He told me that he was getting engaged soon and he felt necessary to tell me. I replied him calmly and said’ wow congratulation!’ But deep down in my heart, I sank, why? I had no idea. It was not his fault or mine because we never had such thoughts or conversation about love or being together. In fact it was just me having beautiful thoughts and being with him, which would never come to reality. I stopped texting and closed my eyes in silence for a while. His texts kept popping one after another asking where I was lost. Then at last I replied ‘ Hey, I am really tired and I want to go to bed’.

Next day I convinced myself that I woke up from a sweet and beautiful dream and now I must get going in the real world. Messages and calls from Shriddh kept dragging me towards the dream I had. He told me he really liked me and promised to be with me always even though he gets married. what would I say to it, ‘no’ because I want him just to be mine or ‘yes’ because some things in life cannot be the way u want then just to go with the flow. I opened my drawer and took out the poster that said ‘ People always leave’ which I had taken out. I guess it was time to put it back to the same place. Again a message popped from Shriddh asking me if I will be with him for rest of his life. What was he to me? Neither a friend nor a partner nor a family.. He was a stranger to me with benefits. After thinking for a long time, I replied to his text ‘ Sure, I promise to be with you… no worries’.